Hello 35 – we meet at last. I always knew this would come, and now that it has I am kind of… bummed. I feel like it’s not possible – it’s too early for me to be thirty-five, it is just too freaking soon. Way too freaking soon. Yes, thirty five years is thirty five years – it doesn’t come later or any earlier for different people. And no, it’s not a villain who is coming for you… but damn, it sure does feel that way.
Thirty five was always the random age I’d throw out if I was talking about events far in the future. It always seemed so “middle aged” and I was, and have always been, young dammit! Heh, that isn’t at all true… I’ve been feeling a lot older than my years these days. Especially since the boy was born. He’s fucking crazy. Anyhow… happy birthday to me, I’m thirty-five today.
The rain has been torrential on this gloomy, cold morning. Until about three years ago, I always had a beautiful birthday – it was inevitable. Not so much anymore.
I live in a suburb of Baltimore, so every year now on my birthday I get to hear all about however many years it has been since Freddie Grey and the Baltimore unrest and the riots… heh, happy 32nd birthday, Katie. My 33rd wasn’t any better – I was pregnant. I found out two days before my birthday… I was already 4 and a half months along. I was also pregnant on my 30th birthday – heh, still haven’t encountered a birthday situation that is quite as depressing as turning 30 while pregnant.When I was 18, my car key broke off in the ignition of my car when I turned it on so I spent a large chunk of the day waiting for AAA – yeah, that one was special… almost as special as my 17th birthday when my boyfriend (whom I was planning on breaking up with like… that night) threw me a surprise party on my anticipated “way out,” so instead of breaking up before prom, we broke up after prom (on my actual seventeenth birthday) in my driveway at 4:00am after a night filled with weird tension and understated animosity. On my sixteenth birthday, I found out that I didn’t make the dance troupe I had spent the entire scholastic year preparing to audition for and was all but guaranteed to make it – heh, coulda used that guarantee. Hmm… apparently, I’ve had some pretty crappy birthdays. Oh, let’s not forget about my twenty-sixth birthday when my freaking car got repossessed… not like I didn’t see it coming, but of all possible days!
I am sure there have been some great birthdays, too, but to be honest I really don’t remember any of them. It’s not that I try to remember the crappy ones, it’s that the non-eventful ones don’t stick in my head so if nothing stuck, it’s probably a good thing. And it was probably a very nice birthday. But other than the crappy tragic ones, the one that really stands out to me is my 31st birthday.
Earlier in the day, we took our daughter (who was 8 months old at the time) to the Aquarium. After that, the three of us went out to dinner. After dinner, we went home, put the baby to sleep and smoked a blunt in the car (no, not driving around, just in the driveway), watched a movie and went to sleep. That was the last relaxing birthday.
My 32nd birthday was the Freddie Grey riot day. I was pregnant on my 33rd birthday, ahh… ok, on my 34th birthday I was in a very strange place. It was a mixture of post-partum hormones still hardcore messing with me (heh, they still do from time to time, I think, but nothing like this), feeling weird about my role in my own family, feeling distant and disconnected from my husband, dealing with a toddler who was starting to act out due to jealousy from the new baby, and… of course… there was the new baby. All I wanted to do was watch one of my all time favorite movies, Meet Joe Black, with my husband. We finally got Meet Joe Black started around 9:00 and my husband was deep sawing logs in dreamland by 10… the movie wasn’t over until 12:00. I usually cry for the last hour of Meet Joe Black, last year I cried for two. I still can’t figure out why that was just so sad for me – I don’t like to go back to that place if I can avoid it, it was not good, not good at all – but my heart hurt like hell that night. They did get me a kick-ass globe, though.
This year, I’m trying to have a better attitude and a lighter burden of expectations. It’s almost 6:00am, I haven’t been to bed yet but I’m going to after I finish this. Earlier I watched The Florida Project (damn good movie, more on that to come), and since then I’ve been listening to music, rain and writing. So far, not bad. Not bad at all.
I think the plans for the day involve a morning alone while my husband takes the kids out for an adventure/get mommy a birthday present outing so I can watch Meet Joe Black without interruption, during the day. It’s definitely a daytime movie… I don’t know why that is, and you’d think it would be the other way around, but no, day movie. I think there are plans to go out to dinner at some point, and I would like to spend some time alone with my husband before he falls asleep and before the evening (heh, you never know how bedtime with the kids is going to go – I can’t even begin to count how many times an evening with amazing potential was DESTROYED by shitty bedtimes… it’s a touchy subject, it can go horribly wrong in an instant, and it can really wreck your night. And consequently, the next morning), I would like to grab a shower (I can do that while the family is out… heh, I need to start the movie before they leave or else the last hour is going to get ruined… that’s what always happens, which is why this movie is a once-a-year deal), I would like to do some writing at some point, and I want to watch a movie with my man… and it’s probably a bit greedy of me to want this too, but I wanna get some, dammit. I was going to try to smoke 35 bowls for my 35th birthday, but heh… yeah, that wouldn’t really be conducive to anything actually happening. Ever again. But this will be good… I just need to go to fucking sleep so I can wake up and have a happy fun day! Heh… I’m definitely taking a significantly more mellow approach to my 35th birthday than I have in the past. It will be good.
I’m trying not to worry too much about things going how I want them to in my head, about controlling the mood and vibe all the time, and about letting people’s emotions mess with mine so much. I need to learn to enjoy my life in and of itself and not rely on the people around me to make it enjoyable for me. I really do enjoy time to myself, anyone who has ever met me will tell you that – but I really enjoy time with my family also. And with my husband. I don’t get enough time with him… we’re down to less than an hour after the kids go to sleep at best, but it won’t always be like this. I’ll settle… I’m getting there. We’re getting there. It’s going to be okay…… I wandered off there, I apologize.
It’s my birthday. I’m 35. Fucking 35. Ahh, but more on that later. For now, I’m going to enjoy the rest of this beautiful quiet morning to myself, get some sleep, and rock out my 35th birthday. Love style. Or something. We shall see.