Wait a second.
Just wait one freaking second…
Ok, I’m back… sorry about that, reality just hit me really hard.
I am married to a wonderful man whom I don’t deserve, I have two kids who are amazing and completely insane, a house in the country, and at some point I started referring to 9:00pm on a Friday night as “getting too late to go out” and what’s worse, is that I genuinely feel that way.
… I know. That was terrible. “Hello world, I am so fucking old” doesn’t exactly lend itself to the beginning of anything interesting. I am sorry… it’s just that I don’t feel or look like I’m old enough to be in my mid-thirties, I don’t even feel like I’ve met the basic prerequisites for adulthood.
I still don’t know what the hell I want to do with my life (yes, I know – I’m 35 – no need to point that out, I am aware of the time and continuity issues), I still wear hats that look like mohawks, colors that belong in the 1980s with styles that should have stayed in the 1990s. I love my tattoos, I need more of them. I replace the shoelaces in most of the shoes that I buy with something neon, patterned or just completely insane.
I am terrified of talking to anyone on the phone – this has been an issue throughout the entirety of my life. I have accepted ridiculous, overwhelmingly dire and totally avoidable consequences that thoroughly screwed up my life on a very fundamental level in lieu of having to make phone calls. There was a time when I was in my late teens when I thought that I might actually have to figure out how to get over the phone issues (I had to psych myself up for a half hour AND practice what I was going to say to the person who answered the phone whenever I called for Chinese food delivery) in order to function as an adult in society, but apparently the rest of the world hates direct communication as much as I do. Now there are very few circumstances now where you actually have to get on the phone and speak to anyone in order to accomplish the same communication you can via email/text message/live forum/etc. And now, you get a paper trail. Splendid, let me tell ya.
Unfortunately, I can’t get quite as enthusiastic about transferring the rest of my existence to the Cloud so that I may “live” solely and exclusively in a virtual world. It kind of makes me feel like I’m dying (I don’t dislike people, I just don’t like the phone). Other than the incorporation of the text message into what is considered to be direct and official communication, I am not loving the new era of technology – you know, the part where we cease to actually do anything in reality anymore, because we can just pretend to do it online? I know we aren’t quite there yet, but we really aren’t that far off. At all. That’s scary.
… and if the millennial neurosis interests you, stay tuned because it it pretty much guaranteed.
That’s how I roll.*